At the same time as I was thinking these bad things about a philosophy and a lifestyle I knew next to nothing about, I was finding myself fantasizing about all sorts of situations that made me feel very confused and conflicted. On the one hand I condemned BDSM through misunderstanding and misinterpretation, and on the other I found myself drawn to movies and stories where the heroine was completely at the mercy of another person. And not necessarily a hero either.
As an impressionable adolescent I watched as Robert Redford held a gun to Katherine Ross while insisting she take her clothes off. I got so hot that I still dream about that scene. Worse, I remember watching a movie about a serial killer where he tied his victims to a bed and touched them all over while watching on fully clothed, and I wished it was me. Of course my fantasy turned him into a handsome lover who eventually let me go, but at the time I thought I was quite disturbed! Heck, it's amazing that my strict Catholic upbringing didn't send me to the loony bin even thinking about it. Okay, maybe I still think I was disturbed!
Later, when I discovered fumbling sex with my boyfriend and we made out in alleys and on the beach, the thought of being seen by others turned me on at the same time as it horrified me! I watched the movie EMMANUELLE which gave me years of scenes to fantasize about but I thought I was being really really naughty! Boy did that make me feel weird, but I never really made the connection to BDSM. Not until years later.
I was already reading and writing erotic romance when I bought a book to support a fellow new author and read it in one sitting. The book was NO ONE BUT MADISON by Doreen Orsini. I had no idea it was BDSM until I read it. I couldn't put it down, and to this day I revisit it over and over again. In fact I have probably read it more than 20 times since it first came out in 2006. Thank you Doreen for starting me on my journey of discovery!
It all began to make sense. All those pent up feelings and fantasies were not just me. Others had them too. Others even lived their life by them. How exciting! What a relief!
I spent the next few years reading as many BDSM romance books as I could, finding wonderful authors such as Joey Hill, J W McKenna, Delilah Devlin and more recently my fan girl crush is on Cherise Sinclair. But I still had no idea what attracted me to this genre and this lifestyle.
In the middle of this I decided that if I was going to fantasize, I needed to write it all down, but before that I had better do my research. I spent months looming on BDSM sites, reading non-fiction books on the subject, speaking to practicing subs (since quite frankly, I'd decided that was more me!) before I started my first book on it.THE MASTERS PRIZE was the result, and even though I don't think I got it completely right, I did manage to get a lot of my pent up feelings out and down on the paper. I finally found a way to express what I had been feeling all of my life. It was incredibly freeing for me and I hope others have been able to see that in the book. Of course it isn't a real depiction of BDSM as I do not live the lifestyle, but I have spent a lot of time living in the headspace of a sub, and researching it all was so much fun :-) I know a few who read it loved it, so that's the main thing!
So back to the topic. Why do I love BDSM romance?
Remember these are my own opinions, and many of you may disagree with me and that's okay. This is all about what I feel personally.
It took me a long time to sort out why I was attracted to this fantasy, but I think I have a handle on it now.
There four parts to my answer:
1. It's about letting go without losing yourself. The characters in BDSM are courageous enough to let go of their lives, their fears, anxieties, and yes, even their orgasms and place themselves in the hands of another. What an incredible gift to give another human being! And how freeing for an individual to be able to do it, allowing another to make decisions on what your body will have or not have.
2. It's about trust. There is no way you can give over of yourself to another if you don't trust them to allow you to be the one with the ultimate control. You gift them with yourself, but know that they can't do it without your consent and willingness. Being in a relationship where you trust another person to be responsible for what happens to you is, as I said, an amazing gift, and without trust it's not going to happen. How wonderful to be able to trust someone this much!
3. It's about heightening sensations. Being unable to control what happens to you makes you hyper aware of every inch of your body. It's an amazing feeling and very addictive :-) We've all heard that old adage "There's a fine line between pleasure and pain". Being taken to another plane with sensations given in a loving way can only heighten the pleasure and take it to even greater heights. (great song too!).
4. It's about being sane (knowing what you're doing at all times), safe (using caution and safety in all that is done) and consensual (knowing that both sides agree at all times and that it's okay to change your mind and stop).
As you can see, most of my reasons for loving BDSM romance involve the dynamics of the exchange of power. The deep emotions, the great sex and the amazing sensations are the results of this and can't exist without them. Plus I guess I'm just a tad kinky :-)
So give me a sassy sub who willingly gives control over to a loving Dom and I'm happy. If he gives her amazing experiences by pushing her limits, and pushing mine as the reader, all the better!
And before you ask - yes, I have tried a lot of what I researched :-) Not telling which bits though :-) My plan is one day to be brave enough to visit a club or even to a BDSM retreat for a weekend escape...so one day you never know! All in the name of research of course!
These days I have plenty of authors I enjoy reading who write BDSM the way I like it. As I mentioned, I love Cherise Sinclair, plus there's also Nichelle Gregory, Desiree Holt, Ann Jacobs, Katherine Kingston, Mackenzie McKade, Sindra Von Yissel, Qwillia Rain, Reese Gabriel, Lisabet Sarai, Lily Harlem - and the list goes on. Some of these lovely authors live the life, some of them, like me - fantasize and research....but boy do I enjoy reading them as I am sure they love writing them. Reading these books is like joining a secret women's business society!
My guilty pleasure. *Bliss*
My second BDSM book is available now. It's called ILLUMINATIONS. It's set in Victorian England and is related to a full length novel I am writing. Victorian England as a setting puts an entirely new spin on it for me but the emotions are the same.
So for a chance to win a copy of ILLUMINATIONS, tell me why YOU like BDSM romance? What good BDSM books have you read lately? Or just say hi! Don't forget to leave your email address in your comment so I can contact you if you win.
I'll choose the winner randomly from all the comments and you have until Wednesday night (Aussie time) to post.
Don't forget to come back on Thursday because I have Aussie BDSM/Steampunk author Cari Silverwood dropping by with a peak at her latest release!
